You need to leave the house – Joy’s guide to solo dates
Gen Z is no stranger to unique internet lingo. The millennials before us, with their sarcastic and meta humour (and slightly cringe one-liners) paved the path for us; our own nihilistic meta-humour has unfortunately led to gen alpha’s love of absurdist AI-generated images. A millennial will not get what ‘slay’ means to a gen Z, and a gen Z is probably never going to find Tungtungtung sahur as funny as a gen alpha.
Among the museum hall of gen-z slang, one in particular stands out to me as something that is growing ever-relevant in a world where our screentime has far overtaken our real time.
Touch grass.
With the rise of gamer culture in the 2010s, this phrase had it’s origins in call lobbies as a insult against try-hards who spent hours of their life online trying to be the best possible player in the game. As it left the gaming hemisphere and entered social media, its core meaning remained the same.
You are spending too much time online and need to re-enter the real world.
An insult, but also a reality-check. How much of our current lives are spent staring at a screen?
These past couple of months, I’ve seen a great reduction in my own screen time as most of my day is usually spent at the hospital clerking patients on paper and pen. Back in my first and second years there’d narry be a time I was without a screen in front of me – lectures needed me to take notes, and I needed to revise said notes back at home. Even then I’d try to print my notes out so I could avoid overheating my laptop. I don’t need to wasta a paragraph on the downsides of increased screen time – you all have experienced it. Headaches, eye strain, frustration, and above all, when you turn the screen off at the end of a long day, you wonder how long it has been since you last looked another human being in the eye.
We need to touch grass. There is no other way to say this. You, me, and most of the population – we all need to stop looking at a phone for once and get out of the house.
Not saying ugh technology bad all problem from phone. I’m saying, human beings are also living mammals. We need proper enrichment via interaction with our natural world. If you saw a penguin do nothing but stand in a corner and stare at the glass all day you’d think it was depressed. Have the same compassion on your own monkey brain who’s staring at a colourful screen for 80% of it’s waking hours.
Do not panic! I am a self-proclaimed expert in the art of a solo date. As hopeless romantic (I say that quite literally, my dating life is hopeless), I understand that I cannot learn to love others if I do not learn to love myself first. Therefore, for the past few years of my life I’ve been taking myself out on little adventures in the city to broaden my horizons and bury the crushing loneliness deep, deep, deep, deeeeeeep down inside. Deep inside.
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| One has to wonder if Rapunzel ever tried to go on a solo date out of the tower before. |
IMPORTANT SAFETY PSA:
If you are:
a woman
a minority
a minor
visibly different from the majority of people around you
voted ‘most likely to be kidnapped’ by your classmates
Then you are actively putting yourself in danger by being on a solo date. Here are some strategies I’ve used to ensure I am kidnapping-proof:
Tell one person of your plans in advance. On the day of, periodically update that person whenever you change locations, are getting in a Grab/Taxi/Uber, or if you are behind schedule.
Do not wear headphones when travelling. If you wear earphones, only wear one. Keep one ear open at all times.
If you are going somewhere unfamiliar, walk like you know exactly where you are going. I personally like to pretend I’m in a hurry or on the phone so people don’t approach me.
4. Always ask around before you plan a visit to somewhere you have not been before. If someone tells you it’s not safe, please believe them.
5. If a stranger tries to talk to you and you are uncomfortable, roleplay as someone else entirely. I have created entirely fake identities to bring up in conversation with a weirdly talkative grab driver. Apparently, I can pass for a 24 year old intern at an accounting firm.
6. If you are scared, NEVER LOOK SCARED. Purposely look like your best friend just kicked your dog. No one likes to bother an angry person in public.
Part 1: Planning
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Intention
Initially, solo dates started out as a way for me to exercise my newfound independence. During my A-levels I’d sometimes have 4-hour gaps between classes, so I used the time to walk around the nearby shopping malls, feeling proud that I could go somewhere myself without needing someone to accompany me. Nowadays, solo dates are a respite from the hectic schedule of my university life.
The foundation of the solo date is the intention behind it. You must ask yourself, why am I going out, by myself, to do this? Why is this important for me to do? It can be something as simple as, I have no friends to accompany me, or complex as I want to get to know who I am when people are not around. Once you have this, the rest of the planning will go relatively smoothly.
Your intention should be the thing you keep going back to, should you ever feel stuck or carried away when planning something like this. Don’t try to over-complicate things! Again, this should be something fun and exciting.
Also, I feel the need to mention that you can’t go into every solo date expecting it to be life-changing. Sometimes you don’t have a deep philosophical epiphany while staring dramatically into the sunset. Instead you’ll get some food, people-watch, read a book for an hour, and go back home. That’s perfectly fine and to be expected.
Budget
We live in a capitalistic economy – goods and services are exchanged for cold hard cash. Or, these days, via QR code. All’s well if we want to treat ourselves, but money does not necessarily equal happiness; there are ways to save if you need to do so.
First off, if you are a student, bring your student ID along with you. Many places in the city offer student discounts, be that for food, drinks, deserts, entrance fees, etc. Be sure to double check if the discounts apply on weekends and public holidays, should you be going then.
I rarely have a solo date plan that doesn’t include me eating something. The trick is to pick what I want ahead of time – so I can account for it in the budget, and also because it gives me something to look forward to. I use a solo date to eat or drink things that I don’t normally get with friends, either because their tastes are different or because what I want is outside my normal budget. Again, don’t forget to use that student card for this too!
Decide ahead of time if you want to give yourself some leg room to get something special – keychains, a cool shirt, etc. It will save you the headache of making a decision on that day.
Some of the best things to do on a solo date cost absolutely nothing. Walking by the beach, browsing a library, journalling in a park. You don’t necessarily need to be spending an absurd amount of money to purchase entertainment. Instead you should be spending on yourself :) I believe that’s what those Wall Street guys call an investment.
Transportation
If plan on using public transportation and haven’t done this already, apply for a student card, or purchase tickets at the counter for a student discount. Check online how much your planned route is going to cost and how long it will take. If you are bringing your own vehicle, don’t forget to look up where you need to park and how much it will cost.
Plan your route ahead of time. If you can, save an offline copy of it to your phone – this is especially important if you’re going somewhere unfamiliar. If you’re going to be using your phone’s GPS then bring a charging cable or power bank in case your battery drains faster than expected. After all, without a phone most of us would be both literally and metaphorically lost.
Account for travel time when you plan a solo date. I like to keep it so travel doesn’t take up more than 1/3rd of the time I am spending on the solo date – but of course, this is up to your own preference. The journey can sometimes be more rewarding than the destination, after all.
Part 2: The actual date – ideas!
I’ve split potential date ideas based on their structure, as well as how much time each would take.
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Mission-based
Mission-based solo dates are the easiest to plan. They involve doing an activity with a clear start and end point – I’d recommend this if you have to stick to a tight schedule, since you can clearly tell how much time it will take. This works best if, like me, you enjoy having a checklist completed. The reward here is in accomplishing a goal you’ve set for yourself.
I usually use normal every-day chores as an excuse for a mission-based solo date. Once I had to go to the hospital on the weekend to clerk cases (side quest), afterwards I walked to the park across the road and got ice cream (mission accomplished).
Potential missions:
Get a sweet treat from your favourite bakery / café
Finish one chapter of a book while doing your laundry
Complete a jigsaw puzzle – buy one that you really like so you can get it framed
Do a paint-by-numbers painting. I usually put a podcast on and make some tea.
Walk in a park until you reach 5000 steps
Journal in a public place for 30 minutes
Spend one hour offline outdoors
Cook a recipe from a different country’s cuisine
Exploration-based
Exploration-based is fun only if you have somewhere cool to explore, like an art gallery, a museum, a park, a library… I do these kinds of things on a solo date where I have a lot of flexibility, so I can stay as long as I want to. Here, my aim is to live in the moment and engage my natural curiosity. It’s less about being productive and more about being observant.
I think the most important thing aspect of these kind of dates is to take things slow. I spent every waking hour feeling like I’m late for something. I set deadlines to remind myself of more deadlines. When you want to explore, try not to limit yourself to a strict deadline. Give yourself some leeway to stop and smell the flowers – a small break from the constant pressure of rushing from one goal to the next.
Places to explore
Independent bookstores
Shops that specialize in a particular thing; eg, vintage cameras
Museums – you’d be surprised how many local museums are free
Fancy shopping malls (window shopping is my hobby)
Public libraries
Botanical gardens
Public expos or pop-up events – follow a nearby location on Instagram so you can see what events are happening
THE BEACH
Stationary stores. Big, fancy stationary stores.
Somewhere you went when you were a kid but never again, like the zoo, aquarium, etc
Experience-based
Experience-based solo dates is specifically for when I want to do something new. It’s when you do something that you normally wouldn’t, and at the end of the day you have a great story to tell other people.
The hardest part of these are those ten minutes before - the ones I spend standing outside wondering if I’ve made a terrible mistake and should just go home instead of wasting my time. It takes a lot of courage to do things alone – but courage is something that gets easier with practise. Every time I decided to show up for myself, is a time where I felt more confident afterwards.
New things to try:
Watch a movie by yourself – a life-changing experience for me was watching the Five Nights at Freddy’s movie a day after its release because I was too impatient to wait for my friends. I did the same for the sequel, and hopefully will continue this tradition for FNAF 3 (call me William Afton the way I always come back)
Go to a concert (I’m still wating for my first)
Take a pottery class
Eat alone at a fancy restaurant
Solo karaoke (I keep planning this and my plans keep! getting! foiled!)
Go bouldering. Every guy I know in his 20s has done this at least once.
Volunteer at an animal shelter/food bank/orphanage home
Stargazing
For a beginner, I’d suggest picking a category and planning based on the idea that speaks to you the most. However, the best solo dates combine all three categories: for example, attending a comic convention dressed in cosplay. Your mission could be to take photos with your favourite characters, the experience is attending the convention, and you get to explore the variety of booths at the location.
Again, always remember to go back to your intention for a solo date. Why do you want to do this? What are you hoping to feel after you’ve done it? These questions should impact how you plan your date.
Part 3: What can go wrong
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The importance of a plan B
Things rarely go according to plan. Depending on your personality, this is something you enjoy, something that mildly annoys you, or something that you hate with a burning passion. Like me. I run my life according to my google calendar schedule. Unfortunately, the real world has too many unpredictable factors for every aspect of life to be predictable down to the second.
Two ways to solve this. One, you learn to go with the flow. Two, you have a plan B.
Let’s say it rains the morning you’ve planned a solo date to go to the park. Instead of going back home, maybe you try sitting in a coffee shop with a good book. You’re actively improving your creativity, problem-solving skills, and practising thinking outside the box. Going with the flow! Congrats, you’re already better at this than I am.
Not saying you should over-plan, just have a backup in mind. It’s okay to cancel or postpone a solo date, as compared to an actual date where you run the risk of offending the other person. It’s just you, and you know your schedule, mood, and boundaries the best.
I feel like people are judging me
WHO. CARES.
I get it. Everyone has a phone. Every phone has a camera. Every camera has a 10x zoom so people from 100m away can see what nonsense you are up to. But you have to stop! Being! Afraid! To! Embarrass! Yourself! Doing! Something! You! Love!
Honest question. Do you remember the last stranger you saw eating alone in a café? The last person you saw sitting alone in the park reading a book? The last time you saw someone at a museum alone. Probably not, right?
People are going to judge you regardless. Please, please, please, do not waste your life terrified of the opinion of people who wouldn’t care less if you lived or died.
What if I don’t like it
To make an accurate diagnosis, we have to rule out any other possibilities. Your personality shouldn’t just be built on what you like – things you dislike are just as important.
There have been times when I did something and realized it just wasn’t for me. Like drinking matcha – even though I think I might be jumped if I said aloud in public that I hated it (forgive me, matcha lovers). I am glad I did at least try it once, instead of never trying it at all.
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It may be rather obvious to anyone reading this blog for more than 3 entries, but as I enter my twenties I’m having somewhat of an identity crisis. I’m coming to terms with the fact that, unlike submitting an assignment or completing a blog post, growing up does not have a fixed end-point. There is always something you have to improve on. And that honestly frustrates me. I hate being wrong. I hate that I sometimes act immaturely and make situations worse. I hate that I still don’t know how to deal with negative emotions. I hate that I still don’t feel as confident as I pretend to be.
Going on solo dates has forced me to reckon with myself. I have to look at myself and ask, who are you? What do you like? What do you hate? Who do you want to be? And, most importantly, who am I when no one is watching?
I don’t think solo dates can magically fix loneliness. They won’t make you confident overnight, or cure all your insecurities within the hour. But these small moments of quiet, personal joy and accomplishment – they mean something. They can build something. They can slowly begin to crack away at the walls of limits you’ve boxed yourself in.
So go outside, touch grass, learn something new about life. Buy that slice of cake you’ve been eyeing. Visit a museum for the first time after primary school. Sit on a park bench and scribble in a notebook. After all, the person you’re spending most of your day with is yourself – might as well get to know them.
Until next time, world!
Joy ♪(^∇^*)
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